10 Reasons (or more) why I categorically refuse to give old ladies my seat

Czech people have this peculiar habit of standing up for old ladies and offering them their seat.
I hereby offer a set of reasons why I refuse to do so on principle.

1) They never ask to have a seat.
They merely give you the 'Evil Eye', secretly hoping Lévinas was right and 'the Other's Look' will eventually incite you to give up your seat.

2)Should you decide to offer them your seat, 9 out of 10, they will refuse and make you look like an arse for everyone to see.

3) They elbow you in public places.
Assuming they have precious little time left, they use their pointy little arm extremities to jab you out of the way and give you a nice bruise in the ribs in the process.
* The walking rack and/or cane or also often used to the same objective.

4) They cut in line.
Be it at the supermarket, the post-office or any line for free give-aways...Where there's a line to be cut, cut it they shall.

5) They smell of mothballs

6) They're all witches in disguise.

7) Each one of them, one way or another, has made at least one man's life miserable for a certain period of time.

8) They step on your toes in crowds.
Using their tricky little feet and/or canes - in the use of which they demonstrate uncanny dexterity - they trample your feet whenever they get the chance. This they do, not for any particular reason, but out of sheer malice.

9) They snitch.
While they themselves will gladly seize any occasion to cheat, lie or steal in order to save an extra penny, whenever you yourself are doing anything slightly illegal or prohibited, you better make damn sure there are no old ladies around, because they will rat your ass out.

10) They dress in endangered species.

11) Their smiles kill babies.

12) They hunch.
It's general knowledge that hunching people should not be trusted.
E.g.: Darth Sidious, Smeagol, Santa Clause, the Pope,...

13) They have rats dressed up as dogs for pets.
These evermore aggressive critters, they carry around in handbags.

14) They nick all the free newspapers before anyone else has even gotten out of bed.

15) They all vote right-wing.

16) They're convinced left-wing politicians and immigrants are to be blamed for every conceivable problem: from unemployment to global warming.

17) Their heads look like dandelions.

18) They, systematically, stand on the left side of electric staircases. Just to piss you off!

19) They feed the stray cats in the neighborhood. Thus secretly raising an army of nefarious felines, which they will one day unleash upon the earth.

20) They like Dan Brown.

21)They sleep less than 5 hours a night..I'm sorry, but that's just scary. What do they do with the remaining hours, when the rest of us are dipped in innocent slumber? Do they prowl around? Thinking up evil schemes to apply the next day? Naturally..

22) In spite of having nothing to do all day, they insist on using public transport at rush hour, preying on guileless victims to inflict any of the above unto.

I could go on, but I think the basic idea will probably be clear by now. What remains is to ask you, dear reader, if you can think of anything more fulfilling then granting one these fiends an unsuspecting smile from your infinitely comfortable seat? I wouldn't think so.

Český večer

Tak dnes píšu neco v čestine, protože mám přítelkyní velmi ctižádostivou, která sí myslí že blog s názvem 'Nick v Praze' potřebuje minimalné jednou českou zpravu, jenom pro vzrůst jeho důvěryhodnosti.

Dobrou noc a hezkou neděli!

A (very) Short Story

I finally went mad when I was 36. The event surprised me in many ways. For instance, it happened a lot later than I’d expected. I never thought I’d make it past my 20th birthday.

Another thing was the way it happened: simply overnight. I went to sleep as a very sane person. When I woke up, I clearly felt I was insane.

It wasn’t as scary as I’d always thought it would be. I’d always dreaded the day when I’d become lost in my own tangled web of diverse personalities and contrary urges. Yet, in the end, it wasn’t all that bad. Perhaps the change in perception made me fear it no longer, since I had simply become a part of it.

My first question was how to continue existence. Should this even be considered? Perhaps it didn’t even concern me anymorer. After all, I couldn’t possibly be held responsible for my actions any longer. Still, I pondered all morning about what to do with the rest of my life and, for starters, with the rest of my day. Simply go to work? Newly introduced to insanity. It sounded rather useless. Not to mention tedious. But what to do then? What does one do at a moment like this?

After a bit more pondering I got up. It was around 7 a.m., but, needless to say, this information couldn’t be trusted, since a clock is a round, 2-dimensional instrument and therefore one of the easiest images to get distorted in one’s mind’s eye.

I took a look in the mirror and saw someone vaguely familiar. It felt like on of those ackward moments at a cocktail party; meeting an acquaintance you couldn’t place if your life depended on it. Perhaps I was at a cocktail party, temporarily phasing out in the middle of a conversation about Swedish prawns and international fiscal accountability.

In any case, I bade the unplaceable acquaintance goodnight and went on about my business.

I decided I would go to work. The way to get there was the trickiest bit. Every one seemed to know about my newly acquired mental distortion. I took little notice of the worried stares and whispers on the metro and ended up spending a lovely and most enjoyable day at work. I chatted freely with all my colleagues, even the ones I didn’t know from Adam. I helped out whereever I could; settling problems and solving differences where I went, prancing and dancing from office to office, leaving a trail of contentment and colourful flowers in my wake.

When the clock struck quitting time I was sent on my way with cheers and clapping, receiving, handshakes, shoulder pats and newborn babies to bestow benevolent kisses upon.

On the way home, it crossed my mind I may not have gone to work at all. What with my altered perception and all, I might as well have gone to the local supermarket and pranced around between the isles and startled shoppers. Then I decided this was much too sane a thought to be worrying about in my newly obtained state of mind, so I dispensed of it and returned to my happy mood.

On coming home I shouted ‘Howdie Joe!’ to the unplaceable acquaintance. He was still there and I’d just decided this is how I always greet people I don’t know or aren’t important enought to remember. Since I’d lost my wits, this type of situation was bound to present itself more often, so I needed a suitable strategy to adress it.

I went to the mini-bar I don’t have and poured myself a double whiskey, straight up. From now on this is what I always do after a succesful day at work. I’m of the sound conviction that even the smallest of achievements should be celebrated and cherished. I beckoned my wildly attractive wife and had her join me on our cashmere couch, which we’d picked up on one of our many trips to India and she nestled up against me in her sexy transparent night gown; which she always wears when I come home in this great a mood.

I decided there and then I would stop writing down my achievements. After all, they would soon be known by all and, in the end, keeping a diary didn’t quite suit my recently gained mental status.

It befalls me to tell you then, dear reader, you’ll lose the pleasure of sharing in the wonderful experience of my daily adventures. But I can tell you one thing: it’ll be grand.

Taalinterferenties

Vandaag nog eens iets in het Nederlands, in de hoop taalpuristen wat minder voor het hoofd te stoten met de engelstalige posts.

Het onderwerp van vandaag's post is dan ook - let op de naadloze overgang - de reden voor deze plotse linguïstische ommekeer sinds nieuwjaar.

De voornaamste reden is het feit dat ik, telkens ik uit België - totnogtoe, een hoofdzakelijk Nederlandstalige omgeving - terugkeer, de eerste paar dagen lijd aan taalinterferenties. Simpel gezegd, ik transposeer Nederlandstalige constructies en collocaties naar het Engels.* Nodeloos te zeggen dat dit in een didactieke context - zoals bijvoorbeeld een Engelse conversatie-les - niet altijd productief is. Vandaar dat ik, vooral tijdens de eerste dagen, het Nederlands zoveel mogelijk probeer te ontwijken, om op die manier zo snel mogelijk naar een Engelse taalconfiguratie terug te keren.

Om het begrip van de taalinterferentie iets duidelijker te maken en tegelijk een interactieve noot aan de blog toe voegen heb ik in de bovenstaande alinea's 4 taalinterferenties ingevoegd: in dit geval Engelse constructies, collocaties of spellingswijzes die foutief getransponeerd zijn op het Nederlands.

Een fabuleuze prijs wacht op degene die ze alle vier vindt. Moest iemand er enkele onbedoelde terugvinden, dan wacht deze persoon enkel een misprijzende blik vanmijnentwege.


*Voor een uitgebreidere analyse van dit veelvoorkomende fenomeen, zie het volgende naslagwerk : Análisis de la adquisición de segundas lenguas y su procesamiento cognitivo mediante el comportamiento lingüístico de varios estudiantes de lenguas., Nick Callebaut (2009) Ook zeer aan te raden als ontspannende avond- en/of vakantielectuur.

Another Day

In spite of the ridiculously early wake-up and the disturbingly late finish that tend to make Tuesdays weekly endurance races, today was a much less gloomy day.
I suppose this was mostly due to the two hours of kids classes just outside Prague.

Although the lengthy metro trip down there and back is nothing to look forward to, those 90 minutes in the company of grade-schoolers never fail to help one put things into perspective. Especially when one gets sweets on coming in.

With the adults, I've been fruitlessly trying to induce them to telling me their New Year's resolutions. Silly me; I should've known Czechs are much too realistic - not to say cynical :)- to do anything of the sort. Their foolproof explanation tends to be: "We wouldn't fulfill them anyway".

What they do believe in is the fulfillment following proverb: "What you do on New Year's Day, you'll do all year." Can't help but love the characteristically fatalistic worldview, bordering on Stoicism, that simmers through here once again.

Some more news considers a new favourite song of mine, courtesy of the 'Black Keys', whom I discovered while searching for the artist of the theme song for the HBO sitcom 'Hung', to which I was prompted by "the old man".

Here's a link to it. I cannot, however, be held responsible by the antics of the guy in the video, the explanation to which I can only wonder about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD64ruAb8vs

Moody Monday

It's a grim and gloomy Prague Monday, this January 2nd, and the sky's so grey it makes you want to cry. Which is exactly what I felt like doing when I woke up this morning and realized I was going back to work after what seemed to have been a fleeting Christmas break.

The holidays have flown by and so have the precious moments with friends and family.
Coming back here is always a bit of a culture shock, but this time it was a particularly harsh one.

In any case, one of my New Year's resolutions - along with less drinking and more writing - is re-appreciating this very blog.
I'm starting today by adding a few pictures of some of my favourite places in Prague.

First up is the crossroad at I.P. Pavlova, from which point two amazing views can be taken in, both of which are especially magical around dusk.

The first view is obtained by looking west, down to the Vltava valley and Jiraskuv Bridge, behind which rise the western hills bordering the city on this side.



The next view is acquired by simply turning round and facing east, thus you can catch a glimpse of the Saint Ludmila Church on Náměsti Míru (the Peace Square), bordering on the Vinohrady quarter - where my first flat in Prague was located - and, in my opinion, one of the more beautiful squares in Prague.



In spite of the constant traffic passing through this intersection, I feel these two wonderful views endow it with a feeling of peace and serenity.
Hope you agree